Attachment styles in adult relationships: a plain guide

Attachment styles describe the patterns we bring to close relationships: how comfortable we are depending on others, and how much we worry about whether they will be there for us. The idea comes from decades of research that began with infants and caregivers and was later extended to adult romantic relationships. Researchers now mostly see attachment as two sliding scales rather than fixed types, which means it is not a label for life and can shift with experience.

Key points

• Attachment theory began with psychoanalyst John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth’s research on infants and their caregivers.
• In 1987, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver proposed that adult romantic love draws on the same attachment system.
• Most researchers now measure adult attachment on two dimensions: attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
• Online quizzes and labels such as “anxious” or “avoidant” can be a useful starting point, but they simplify a more complex picture.
• Early experiences matter, but they only moderately predict adult relationships, and people can become more secure over time.

Where does attachment theory come from?

John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, proposed that infants have an inbuilt attachment system: a set of behaviours, such as crying and seeking closeness, that evolved to keep them near the people who protect and care for them. When this works well, the caregiver becomes a “secure base” from which the child can explore, and a safe haven to return to when frightened.

Mary Ainsworth developed a laboratory procedure called the Strange Situation, in which a one-year-old is briefly separated from and then reunited with their parent. She noticed different patterns in how infants responded. According to a summary by attachment researcher R. Chris Fraley, roughly 60% of infants were classed as secure, about 20% as anxious-resistant and about 20% as avoidant. Secure infants tended to have parents who responded sensitively to their needs.

What are adult attachment styles?

In 1987, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver published an influential paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggesting that romantic love works through the same attachment system. Adults, like children, tend to feel safer when a partner is close and responsive, turn to them when distressed, and use them as a secure base. Hazan and Shaver described three adult styles, secure, anxious and avoidant, in short paragraphs people could choose between.

In 1991, psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz proposed a four-category model, based on how positively people see themselves and how positively they see others:

• Secure: a positive view of yourself and of others.
• Preoccupied: a less positive view of yourself, a positive view of others. This is often what people mean by “anxious attachment”.
• Dismissing: a positive view of yourself, a less positive view of others, with a strong emphasis on independence.
• Fearful: a less positive view of both, wanting closeness but fearing rejection. Online this is often called “fearful-avoidant”.

Why do researchers prefer two dimensions?

Later work, especially a 1998 review by Brennan, Clark and Shaver, found that adult attachment is best described by two underlying dimensions:

• Attachment anxiety: how much you worry about whether a partner is available, responsive and truly values you.
• Attachment avoidance: how uncomfortable you feel depending on others or opening up emotionally.

Someone who is low on both would be described as secure. But most people are not neatly one thing or another. Studies using taxometric methods, which test whether a trait comes in distinct types or varies by degree, have suggested that adult attachment varies by degree. In other words, you are not simply “an anxious type”; you might be somewhat higher on anxiety, somewhat lower on avoidance, and different in different relationships.

Are online attachment style quizzes accurate?

Quizzes and social media posts can help people find words for familiar feelings, and that can be a relief. But they have limits worth keeping in mind:

• They put people in boxes. Research suggests attachment varies by degree rather than in neat categories.
• Most are not research measures. Researchers use carefully tested questionnaires, and even those capture only part of the picture.
• They capture a moment. How you answer can depend on your current relationship, your mood or a recent hurt.
• Labels can become weapons. Calling a partner “avoidant” or yourself “too anxious” can shut down curiosity about what is actually happening between you.
• They are not a diagnosis. Attachment styles describe relationship patterns. They are not mental health conditions.

A more helpful question than “what is my attachment style?” is often “what happens in me when I feel close to someone, or when I fear losing them?”

Does childhood decide your attachment style?

Not entirely. Early relationships shape our expectations, which Bowlby called “working models” of ourselves and others. But the link with adult relationships is modest. Fraley’s summary of the research notes that security with parents correlates only moderately with security with a romantic partner, and one long-term study found only a small link between attachment at age one and adult romantic relationships around 20 years later.

This matters, because it means your past does not fix your future. Later relationships, life events and reflection all play a part.

Can attachment style change?

Research suggests it can, though change usually takes time. Attachment researchers Omri Gillath, Emre Selcuk and Phillip Shaver note that security can develop within a supportive, reliable relationship, and that therapy has long been understood in attachment terms. A therapist can become a steady, responsive presence, and over months clients’ expectations can shift towards greater security. They also report that attachment avoidance has generally been harder to change than attachment anxiety.

Things that may help over time include:

1. Noticing your patterns. What do you do when you feel unsure of someone: reach out more, or pull away?
2. Naming needs directly. Saying “I would like to hear from you when you are running late” tends to work better than testing someone.
3. Choosing reliable people. Relationships where others are consistent and kind give your system new experiences to learn from.
4. Being curious rather than critical. These patterns usually made sense once. They are not character flaws.

How can therapy help?

Therapy offers a space to understand how your earlier relationships may shape the way you love, trust and protect yourself now. In my integrative approach, drawing on person-centred, psychodynamic and CBT-informed ideas, we might explore:

• What closeness, conflict and distance feel like for you, and what you tend to do with those feelings.
• Where your expectations of others may have come from.
• How patterns repeat across relationships, and what you would like to be different.
• How to express needs and set boundaries in ways that feel safer.

You can read more on my relationships page. If you and your partner keep getting caught in the same cycle, for example one of you pursuing while the other withdraws, couples counselling can help you both understand it. Our guide to the first couples counselling session explains what to expect.

If relationship worries are affecting your mood or daily life, it is worth speaking to your GP. In England, you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies for common problems such as anxiety and depression.

If you are in crisis, call 999, go to A&E, call NHS 111, or contact Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24/7).

If you recognise yourself in some of these patterns and would like to explore them with someone, you are welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial consultation. We can go at whatever pace feels right for you.