What happens in a first couples counselling session?

In a first couples counselling session, the counsellor usually gets to know you both, asks what has brought you to counselling, and gives each of you space to describe the relationship in your own words. They will often talk through practical arrangements and ground rules, such as confidentiality and how any individual sessions would work, and help you think about what you each hope to change. The first session is mainly about understanding and agreeing a way forward, not fixing everything at once.

Key points

• A first session is usually an assessment: a chance for the counsellor to understand your relationship and for you both to see whether the counsellor is a good fit.
• You will each be invited to share your view. A good counsellor stays impartial and does not take sides.
• Ground rules matter in couples work, especially around confidentiality, individual sessions and notes.
• Some services include time with each partner separately as part of the early sessions.
• It is normal to feel nervous, emotional or a little raw afterwards.

What does a couples counsellor ask in the first session?

Every counsellor works a little differently, but first sessions often cover similar ground. You might be asked about:

• What has led you to seek counselling now, and whether something particular has happened.
• When the difficulties started, and how they show up day to day.
• How you met, and what the relationship was like at the beginning.
• Important life events, such as moving home, having children, illness, bereavement, work stress or money worries.
• How you usually communicate, argue and make up.
• What each of you would like to be different, and what you hope counselling might help with.

Relate, the UK relationship charity, describes its first meeting with a couple as a chance for the counsellor to ask questions about the relationship and to decide together whether its service is the right kind of help. You do not need to have prepared answers. It is fine to say you are not sure, or that you see things differently from your partner. That in itself is useful information.

Will the counsellor take sides?

No. The BACP is clear that a couples counsellor must remain impartial and should not take sides, give advice or steer you towards a particular outcome. Their role is to help each of you understand your own patterns, how they affect the other person, and what might help you relate differently.

In practice, this means the counsellor may spend a little longer with one of you at times, or ask one person more questions, in order to understand their experience. That is about balancing the conversation, not deciding who is right. If either of you ever feels the counsellor is favouring one side, it is worth saying so in the session.

What ground rules are agreed at the start?

Confidentiality and clear agreements are especially important when there are two clients in the room. In a first session, many couples counsellors will talk through:

• Confidentiality and its limits, for example if there is a serious risk of harm.
• Individual sessions: whether the counsellor will ever see one of you alone, and what happens to anything shared in those sessions. The BACP advises agreeing this before the work begins, because a sense that something private has been shared, or that a secret is being kept, can damage trust.
• Notes: the BACP explains that joint notes should not be accessible to one partner alone, and that neither partner can release them without the other’s consent.
• Practical arrangements such as session length, how often you will meet, fees, cancellations and whether sessions are online or in person.

If anything is unclear, ask. A good counsellor will be glad to explain how they work.

Will we be seen separately?

It depends on the counsellor or service. Some couples counsellors only ever meet both partners together. Others include some individual time, particularly early on. Relate, for example, usually begins with an initial assessment that includes a joint session and a session split so that each partner meets the counsellor on their own.

Individual time can give each person a chance to say things they find hard to raise in front of their partner, and helps the counsellor check that couples work is safe and suitable. Whatever the arrangement, it should be explained clearly at the start.

How should we prepare for the first session?

• Talk together beforehand about why you want counselling, without needing to agree on everything.
• Each think about what you would most like to be different. A few words is enough.
• If you are meeting online, find a private space where you will not be overheard, and use a device that works well for two people on screen.
• Give yourselves some time afterwards rather than rushing back to work or into a busy evening.
• Bring any questions you have about how the counsellor works.

If one partner is reluctant to come, the BACP suggests raising it gently, focusing on your own feelings and hopes rather than criticism, and respecting their answer. Counselling works best when both people choose to be there. If your partner does not want to attend, individual counselling about the relationship can still help.

How might we feel afterwards?

Many couples feel a mix of relief and exhaustion after a first session. Saying difficult things out loud, or hearing your partner’s view in a new way, can stir up strong feelings. Sometimes things feel a little harder before they feel better. It can help to avoid going over the whole session again straight away, and to bring anything that comes up to the next session instead.

Couples counselling is not a quick fix, and it cannot make one person change. The BACP notes that progress depends on both people being willing to put in effort. For some couples, counselling strengthens the relationship. For others, it helps them separate with less pain and more understanding, which can matter a great deal, especially where children are involved.

Is couples counselling only for relationships in crisis?

No. Couples come to counselling at all stages: during a difficult patch, after an affair, around big life changes such as a move or a new baby, or simply because they want to communicate better. You do not need to wait until things are at breaking point.

Couples counselling with me

I am an integrative psychotherapist registered with the BACP, and I work with adults individually and as couples. Sessions are 50 minutes, either in person at my practice room in Farringdon, Central London, or online by secure video, in English or Turkish. You can read more on my couples counselling page, and about what to expect in a first session.

If you are in crisis, call 999, go to A&E, call NHS 111, or contact Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24/7).

If you are thinking about couples counselling and would like to talk it through, you are welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial consultation. We can talk about what you are both hoping for and whether working together feels right.