Quietening your inner critic: understanding self-criticism

Your inner critic is the voice in your head that judges, blames and finds fault, often in a tone you would never use with someone you care about. It usually develops for understandable reasons, sometimes as an attempt to keep you safe or to stop you being criticised by others. You cannot simply switch it off, but you can learn to notice it, question it and respond to yourself with more kindness, and therapy can help with this.

Key points

• Self-criticism is common, but when it is harsh and constant it can feed anxiety, low mood and low self-esteem.
• The inner critic often has roots in earlier experiences, such as criticism, high expectations or feeling you had to earn approval.
• Self-compassion means treating yourself with the understanding you would offer a friend. It is not the same as letting yourself off the hook.
• Research on compassion-based approaches is promising, though many studies are small.
• Talking therapy can help you understand your inner critic and find a kinder way of relating to yourself.

What is the inner critic?

“Inner critic” is an everyday phrase rather than a clinical term. It describes the part of our thinking that comments on us negatively: you are stupid, you always get it wrong, everyone can see you are not good enough. For some people it is an occasional voice that appears under stress. For others it is a constant background commentary that shapes almost every decision.

Signs that your inner critic may be getting in the way include:

• Going over mistakes again and again, long after they have passed.
• Feeling that nothing you do is ever quite good enough.
• Finding it hard to accept praise, or dismissing your achievements as luck.
• Avoiding new things because you expect to fail or be judged.
• Speaking to yourself far more harshly than you would speak to anyone else.
• Feeling a deep sense of shame, as though the problem is not what you did but who you are.

Where does a harsh inner voice come from?

There is rarely one single cause. A harsh inner critic often grows out of experiences such as being criticised or compared as a child, living with very high expectations, feeling that love or approval depended on doing well, or experiences of bullying, rejection or trauma. Sometimes the voice even sounds like someone from the past.

It can help to understand that the critic is often trying, in a clumsy way, to protect you. If you criticise yourself first, perhaps no one else can. If you push yourself hard enough, perhaps you will avoid failure. The trouble is that this kind of protection tends to leave people feeling anxious, exhausted and ashamed rather than safe or motivated.

Self-criticism is often part of low self-esteem, and it is common in depression and anxiety.

What is self-compassion?

Psychologist and researcher Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as having three parts:

• Self-kindness rather than self-judgement: being warm and understanding towards yourself when you struggle, fail or feel inadequate, rather than harsh.
• Common humanity rather than isolation: recognising that everyone makes mistakes and suffers, so you are not alone in this.
• Mindfulness rather than over-identification: noticing painful thoughts and feelings in a balanced way, without pushing them away or being swept up in them.

Self-compassion is sometimes mistaken for self-indulgence or lowering your standards. It is closer to the voice of a good friend or mentor: honest about what went wrong, but on your side.

What does research say about compassion-based approaches?

Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) was developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert, who founded the Compassionate Mind Foundation. An early systematic review published in Psychological Medicine describes CFT as developed for people whose difficulties are linked mainly to high shame and self-criticism. The review found the results mostly favourable, particularly for people high in self-criticism, but concluded that larger, high-quality trials were needed.

A 2017 meta-analysis in Behavior Therapy, combining 21 randomised controlled trials of compassion-based interventions, found improvements in self-compassion, depression, anxiety and wellbeing compared with control groups. The authors also noted that many studies were small. Overall, the evidence is encouraging but still developing.

The NHS offers similar practical advice for low self-esteem: notice the negative beliefs you hold about yourself, look for evidence that challenges them, and try responding to yourself as kindly as you would to a friend.

What can I try on my own?

1. Notice the voice. Simply recognising “that is my inner critic” can create a little distance.
2. Write it down. Note what the critic says and when. Patterns often emerge, along with clues to where the voice came from.
3. Ask what a friend would say. The NHS points out that we often give far better advice to others than to ourselves. Try offering yourself that advice.
4. Look for balance. Write down evidence that does not fit the critic’s story, such as things you have done well or kind things others have said.
5. Be patient. A voice that has been around for years will not go quiet overnight. The aim is to soften it and stop it running the show, not to win an argument with it.

How can therapy help with self-criticism?

Therapy offers a space where you can say the harsh things you think about yourself out loud and be met without judgement. That alone can begin to loosen shame’s grip. In my integrative approach, drawing on person-centred, psychodynamic and CBT-informed ideas, we might:

• Explore where your inner critic came from and what it may have been trying to protect you from.
• Notice the particular thoughts and beliefs it repeats, and how they affect your mood and choices.
• Practise relating to yourself with more understanding, especially after mistakes or setbacks.
• Look at how self-criticism affects your relationships, work and rest.

In England, you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies, which offers support such as CBT for common problems including low mood and anxiety. If you choose a private therapist, the NHS advises checking that they are registered with a professional body. Our guide on how to check a therapist is BACP registered explains how.

If you are in crisis, call 999, go to A&E, call NHS 111, or contact Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24/7).

If your inner critic has been loud for a long time and you would like support in finding a gentler way of being with yourself, you are welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial consultation. We can go at whatever pace feels right for you.