Grief at Christmas: getting through the holidays after a loss

There is no right way to get through Christmas after a loss. What tends to help is planning ahead, so you can choose how much you want to celebrate, if at all, and letting the people around you know what feels manageable. Bereavement charity Cruse also suggests finding small ways to remember the person, keeping some routine, and allowing yourself whatever you feel, including sadness, anger, numbness and moments of happiness.

Key points

• You do not have to celebrate in the usual way, or at all, if it does not feel right.
• Planning ahead and telling others what you need can take some of the pressure off.
• People in the same family often grieve differently, which can cause tension.
• Small rituals of remembrance can bring comfort and connection.
• Cruse runs a free helpline on 0808 808 1677, and Samaritans are available 24 hours a day on 116 123.

Why is grief often harder at Christmas?

Christmas is full of rituals that are tied to particular people: who cooked, who sat where, the decorations someone always chose, the phone call that came every year. When someone has died, those rituals can make their absence feel especially stark. Shops, adverts, films and social media are full of images of happy families together, which can feel painful when your own family has changed.

This can be true whether the loss was recent or many years ago. Grief does not follow a timetable, and anniversaries and festivals often bring it closer to the surface. If you are dreading the holidays, it does not mean you are grieving “wrongly”. It is a natural response to missing someone.

How can I plan for Christmas after a bereavement?

Cruse suggests planning in advance how you will spend Christmas, and not feeling pressured into anything you are not comfortable with. Some people find comfort in keeping traditions exactly as they were, in memory of the person. Others need to do something completely different this year. Many people choose something in between.

Some questions you might think about:

• Where do I want to be, and who do I want to be with?
• Which traditions feel important to keep, and which would be too painful this year?
• Do I want to be busy, or would I rather have quiet time?
• Is there someone I can call if the day becomes too much?
• Can I give myself permission to leave a gathering early, or change my plans on the day?

Once you have a rough idea, it can help to tell friends and family, so they know what to expect and how to support you. Plans can be flexible. It is fine to change your mind.

What if my family is grieving differently?

It is very common for people who have lost the same person to grieve in different ways. One person may want to talk about them constantly, another may not be able to mention their name. One may want a full Christmas, another may want to cancel it. Cruse notes that these differences can lead to conflict, and suggests being considerate of each other and talking openly about what might work for everyone.

It can help to remember that different does not mean wrong. If tension is building, a short, honest conversation before the day, rather than on it, may ease things. If relationships at home are feeling strained more generally, my page on relationships may be useful.

How can I remember someone at Christmas?

Many people find that including the person in Christmas in some way brings comfort. Cruse suggests ideas such as:

• Lighting a candle near their photo, or hanging a decoration that belonged to them or carries their name.
• Writing them a card or a letter.
• Watching their favourite film, playing music they loved, or cooking a dish they enjoyed.
• Visiting a place that was special to them, or taking a walk somewhere meaningful to you all.
• Sharing memories and stories with family or friends.

Remembering can bring tears as well as warmth, and that is all right. You might do these things alone, or with others who knew them.

How do I look after myself over the holidays?

The festive period often disrupts normal routines, which can make grief harder to carry. Cruse and the NHS both offer suggestions for looking after yourself:

• Keep some routine. Regular meals and sleep, as far as possible, give you a steadier base.
• Stay connected. Spend some time with people you trust, even briefly, or arrange a phone call.
• Be careful with alcohol. Cruse points out that alcohol and drugs only offer temporary relief. If you notice you are drinking to numb the pain, that may be a sign to seek support.
• Take breaks from festive images. If TV, films or social media become overwhelming, step away and get some fresh air.
• Set small, realistic goals. You do not have to do everything you used to.
• Allow all your feelings. Sadness, anger, guilt, jealousy, numbness and moments of laughter can all sit side by side.

Where can I find support with grief at Christmas?

• Cruse Bereavement Support has a free helpline on 0808 808 1677. Opening hours are listed on the Cruse website, and it is worth checking them before the holidays.
• Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, every day, on 116 123.
• Your GP can help if you are struggling with low mood, anxiety or stress, if your low mood has lasted more than two weeks, or if your grief is not easing over time.
• NHS Talking Therapies (in England) accepts self-referrals if you are 18 or over (or 16 or over in some areas).

The NHS also mentions prolonged grief disorder, where intense grief lasts for many months or years, painful feelings such as sadness or guilt do not get easier, and it is hard to return to everyday activities. If that sounds familiar, please talk to your GP.

Can counselling help with grief?

Counselling offers a place to talk about the person you have lost, and about everything that loss has stirred up, without worrying about upsetting anyone else. That can include the love, the guilt, the things left unsaid, and the practical and family changes that follow a death. Some people come to therapy soon after a loss; others come years later, when something like Christmas brings it back.

I am an integrative psychotherapist registered with the BACP, and I work with adults at a gentle, trauma-informed pace. You can read more on my page about grief and bereavement. I offer sessions in English or Turkish, in person in Farringdon, Central London, or online by secure video.

If you are in crisis, call 999, go to A&E, call NHS 111, or contact Samaritans on 116 123 (free, 24/7).

If you are finding this season hard and would like to talk, you are welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial consultation. You can take things at your own pace, whether you reach out before the holidays or after them.